Mom Rated

Forget G, PG, PG-13, even XXX. Forget it. I need an M for Mom rating.

My Mom-Rated system would be as follows:

MA (Mom Acceptable): This rating would include romantic comedies, coming-of-age stories, everything Tom Hanks has ever made, and would be epitomized by the film Homeward Bound.

MB (Mom Beware): This rating would include most sci-fi, horror, and all the independent films that think it’s interesting to have a child or young adult drown, fall down a flight of stairs, or kill themselves in the course of the film.  Obviously, anything by Quentin Tarantino gets an the MB rating.

MC (Mom Caution): This rating would include films that cross the boundary into Mom-horror-moments, like the wonderful but sad film My Girl. Basically, it would be a rating that says, “look, it’s a good movie, but bring your tissues, and forget about seeing it when you’re pregnant or PMS.”

My Mom-Rating System (patent pending) was inspired by a horror-of-a-date-night where we went to see the highly touted, Sundance-film festival winner Animal Kingdom. This film is about the worst film a new mom could possibly see. SPOILER ALERT! It included the following:

Mom overdosing on heroin while son looked on

Father of new baby being blown away by corrupt police

Teen daughter being forcibly injected with heroin and then being smothered

Grandmother hiring killer to off her grandson

Seriously? This is the film that’s garnered such great reviews? I don’t care what Kingdom we all come from; there’s no way I inhabit the same one as these people.

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You WILD THING you!

They are little wild things, aren’t they? We are no more aware of our animal nature than when our babies roll and climb, grunting and groaning and chewing and biting.

That’s why I really like these outfits from NOO Australia. It’s just so… fitting. Especially since my daughter has just learned to “grrrrrooooowwwwl!”

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DIY Capes

So, if you’re lazy, like Tori Spelling, you can purchase a cape from the reputable source Power Capes. (If you’re in San Francisco, you can drop by Paragraph on 9th Ave in the Inner Sunset to get a unique cape). But if you’re crafty, follow these simple instruction to make your own!

You’ll need

1 yard poly-blend satin fabric

Fat quarter or 1/2 yard second (and/or third) color poly-blend satin fabric

Heatbond (to attach the applique)

Sewing machine, thread, iron… the usual

Measure your child from neck to foot, then from the tip to tip of his/her fingers. Draw a pattern using these measurements, or just draw on the wrong side of the fabric. Cut it out. Your cape should look like a half-circle.

Now cut the neck tie: a good length is 4″ by 16″. You’ll fold this in half, so don’t make it too skinny.

Now create your own applique. Follow the instructions on the Heatbond to adhere the bond to the fabric. Now draw, then cut out your design. Some basic ideas are a big star, a heart, a lightening bolt, a letter, or two of those layer on each other. Get creative.

Iron your necktie in half length-wise. Center it on the top of your cape, folded side toward the bottom of the cape. Draw a half-in seam line on each piece. Snip into the fabric of cape (not over the seam line) and center. Match your seam lines, mark and sew 6-8 ” only. (Note that you can also cut a shorter necktie and attach velcro to the ends if you’e worried your child will strangle themselves -see above photo).

Now take the unsewn ends of the neck tie and fold the ragged edge in on both sides, and topstitch or overcast stitch for longevity and strength. If there’s any give to your fabric, make sure to use the proper stretch stitch.

Now, iron-on your applique, and sew around the edges with a zig-zag or overcast stitch. Finally, fold in all your hems and topstitch. TADA!

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Gerber Baby

Bath time is a happy five minutes at our house

When she’s being a pain, I just have to look at this photo and I feel more tolerant. They made them cute for good reason, didin’t they?

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The Missing Sock

There’s a laundry place in the Russian Hill neighborhood of San Francisco called The Missing Sock. But really, The Missing Sock would be a great name for a childnre’s clothing store. They could sell things like single socks to match the ones your daughter keeps yanking off and throwing in the middle of the street.

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Little Men

So, I hate most children’s clothing. Why so bright? Why so appliqued? Why must we embarrass our children this way? Well…  I did once (at five) chose a glitter-covered Donald Duck tank top in a size three times too big for me… my poor mother. Oh well.

But on our own dimes, we can choose classy digs… if we like! From the English Laundry line is a boys section that’s so chic, I just had to feature it, even though I don’t (yet) have a boy. Check it out.

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Something to Look Forward to…

From today’s San Francisco Chronicle in “Public Eavesdropping”…

“Mom, come in swimming!

There are lots more mothers fatter than you in the pool.”

Young girl in pool yelling at her mother… overheard at a resort.

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Generation Perspectives

My Mom: Did you hear about Lindsay?

Me: What?

Mom: Well, she’s run off. To Bolivia.

Me: You mean… she’s gone on a vacation.

Mom: By herself. For two weeks!

Me: You know… her son is a year old now.

Mom: Oh, I didn’t think he was that old.

Me: He is. You know, Mom… every other job on the planet comes with two weeks vacation and dental. Good for her. We should be glad she’s on vacation and not going mental from all the Mom-related stress.

Mom:

Me: Well, for myself, I would have chosen the Caribbean, but whatever.

Mom: Haha.

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Life Saving Measures

How did I never know of the Exersaucer? I realize that even if someone had shown me this item, I would have been like, “EW! That thing is ugly! Not in my house, no way!” That was before I realized that I would do almost anything (include allow my lovely home to look like a Gymboree class) to keep my baby occupied long enough for me to eat something daily. Or to do a blog post. Anyhow, it’s temporary, right?

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Misery

my daughter has her first cold, and I am clueless how to help her.  I elevated her mattress, but what else can I do? The nasal bulb makes her scream bloody murder. I feel so miserable watching her so miserable.

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