The Freak Show

You know why no one talks about how they’re “trying”? Because it’s a freak show, that’s why. For women, trying to get pregnant calls into question your very womanliness—it’s like if men were unable to easily use the remote control, and had to keep trying and trying and trying, but each time they failed to find the proper series of button presses, and got stuck watching Diane Lane on the Lifetime channel.

The whole process invites a freak out like no other. Every time my temperature wasn’t where it was supposed to be, I was sure I was infertile, dying of Ovarian cancer, or that (despite numerous normal ultrasounds) I was a hermaphrodite. Freaky freaky show.

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Whatchemebob Wednesday-eco diapers

It turns out there are lots of kinds of eco-diapers. The neatest seeming ones are the gDiapers. I have a student who sells eco-diapers of all kinds, and she says she hears good things about all of them from customers, but the Seventh Generation get the “easiest” rating. This was confirmed by two Mom users. Easy sounds good, but the gDiapers are like, so totally cute aren’t they? Evidently they are somewhat time-consuming, as you must wash the outer shell. But, I’m planning to try them all.

To state the obvious, plastic diapers are bad for the world and stuff.

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Ad nauseum

The time has come. If one more person or doctor or nurse or pregnancy clerk tells me they’re glad I feel nauseous, I will hurl on them. I will do it. You have been warned.

And don’t you love the being so hungry, so very hungry, and nauseous at the same time? I love that. So good.

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Thought Bubble?

So, upon looking at “your baby at seven weeks” on BabyCenter, my husband said, “where’s the yolk sac?” And I pointed to the yolk sac. Then he said, “oh. I thought that was the thought bubble.”

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Miscarriage Sucks

I’m having major anxiety about a first appointment, because the last time this whole pregnancy business happened to me, it didn’t work out so well. Wanna hear about it? I know you do! So, television pregnancy has no relationship to reality pregnancy. I’ve mentioned this phenomena, but it gets worse (you can count on TV to do that). On television, there is always this fully-formed baby hanging out in the womb (even if the person is on their supposed first visit to the OB—most recently I saw this portrayed in the Netflix-worthy film “Then She Found Me”). In actuality, all you see is an etch-a-sketchy blob. Hopefully, it flickers. If it flickers, that means it has a heartbeat.

But, the first time I got pregnant, it was twins, and the blobs didn’t flicker. They said to wait awhile. So I did. But it turned out something went wrong, and at the next visit, the ultrasound showed these two perfect circles, with no blobby movement. The doctors said, “it just happens, bodies do that, not your fault.” WebMD told me that I had an ovum miscarriage, and that it happens often with twins. All I can say about this is: it sucked.

If you have had a miscarriage, you can bet that lots of women you know have, too. The general statistic quoted is one in four women (or like, a fourth of the women you know—see, I can do math) have had a miscarriage. They are good to talk to about this stinky experience. Although doctors always say, “the good news is that you can get pregnant!” I am not going to pretend that there is any good news to a miscarriage. Miscarriages suck.

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“Feast or Famine”

The day I found out my first pregnancy wasn’t “working out” my doc, who was a Kaiser resident, looked shattered. She was being assisted by an older, more experienced doctor. I looked at my doc and said, “it’s OK, I got pregnant right away; we’ll try again.” And the older doctor said, “Yep. It’s either feast or famine.”
Even in that moment, I knew I was going to remember that (rather heartless) thing she said. It was a feast, but I didn’t get to eat it. And then, for months and months, indeed, I had famine. And boy, when your internal mom clock is ticking, you sure get hungry.

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Whatchemebob Wednesday-Stackers

Happy Stackers are great baby toys; but they usually are made of plastic (which is such the no-no right now). So, they can also be handmade from fabric. This is actually the first (and probably least necessary) item I am going to make for the little stranger I’ll meet in December. The design is by Heather Bailey (who is a fabric designer and mother and extraordinaire other things, too). The pattern can be purchased on Etsy as well.

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This is so familiar…

So, it turns out that the ultrasounds they show you in movies are, like, nowhere to be found on visit one. You know the ones I’m talking about. They put this bluish jelly on your tummy and roll something over it and then—there’s the baby!

Well. That’s just not how it is at all. They put a big wand in your hoo-hoo. Yeah, you knew that already? I’m so sorry to hear that. Now I know, too. All I could think as my very kind (female) doctor was basically having sex with me through an ultrasound wand was, no wonder they don’t show this on television!

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Trying…

Trying is terrible. Don’t worry, I’m not going to write a song about it, but I will mention that every time someone asks us if we’re “trying” I want to answer “Yoda says there is no try–only do or do not.” And boy, when it comes to making babies there’s a lot of “do” involved.

Here are some good things to actually say to the supposedly friendly people who ask, “are you trying?” (Other than “yes, we just had magnificent sex a few minutes ago!”)

“We’re starting down that path…”

“We’ve been talking a lot about having children.”

“We’d like to have children someday.”

“We’re open to having children.”

Or, you can just say, “don’t ask!” This is certainly what I always want to say.

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H, C, and G

It turns out there’s this thing, this hormone, called hCG.  Only pregnant people get it. Normal amounts are zero, and that’s what any pregnancy test is looking for, the hCG. Of course, a pregnancy test doesn’t tell you how much hCG you have. And it turns out, it matters. During my first (eventually miscarried) pregnancy, I had my hCG levels tested. I’m not sure why, actually. They found that they were “a little low,” but they wouldn’t say what that meant. Of course what it meant was the baby wasn’t developing, or wasn’t developing properly. “At risk” women, or habitual miscarriers, can get their hCG tested, but otherwise it’s not a standard test. But, maybe it should be. I wonder if it could show links to other fetal problems. Hmmm. Maybe someone is already working on this. The only thing I know for sure is that hCG makes you nuts. And hungry.

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