Archive for March, 2010

Would You Rather…

have each of your digits cut off with clippers (haven’t seen Bound? You should) or sit in insane San Francisco street traffic with a hungry, screaming child for an hour?

Tough one… very tough.


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Does it ever occur to you that you’re just really really lucky? Like, you say to yourself: how did I get so lucky to have such a beautiful child? And you just can’t believe it?

Lucky, lucky me.

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We can only schedule one thing to do each day. Well, we can schedule more than one thing per day, but there will be consequences. Usually, those consequences sound dire, even if, in fact, they are not. They include but are not limited to: screaming, crying, wailing, smacking, biting, gnawing, kicking, beating of fists, and howling. The word “schedule” has never meant so much.

And now, I owe the world of parents an apology. For every time I rolled my eyes when someone said, “we can’t be there until such-and-such-a-time because of Brian’s schedule,” or “we can only stay a half-hour, you know, schedule!” Because, yeah, I totally had NO IDEA. Babies need a schedule like parents need sleep: OR ELSE. So today, unlike the last seven days, we are going to do one thing, and one thing only: go to therapy so mommy doesn’t go insane and sell baby on Ebay for “One $$$ Special Only TODAY!”

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My favorite laundry soap

Nothing in my house is clean. The floor bubbles up a steady stream of dust bunnies. The kitchen counter breaks out in crumbs and scratchy sticky places every few hours. And I don’t recommend you use my bathroom anytime soon. Between the cat, the kid, and the husband, there’s not a lot of white tile that still looks white.

But that’s OK. It’s kind-of clean. It’s not harboring e. coli. So, it’s almost clean. And for now, almost clean is good enough.

Note: when I do clean… I use Method products. If you’re not familiar, I recommend trying their all-purpose cleaner, their baby soap, and their liquid laundry detergent that comes in a cool squirt-bottle (no more spills!) You can pick these up at Target.

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I’m not sure if you’ve seen the show Futurama, but there was a great bit in an old episode. The main character, Philip Fry, (who is human) moves in with Bender (who is a robot). And Fry asks Bender, “where’s the bathroom?”

Bender: “The What-room?”

Fry: “The bathroom.”

Bender: “The Room-what?”

Fry: “The bathroom.”

Bender: “The What-What?”

I always thought that was hilarious. A few years later, on an episode of SNL, Keenan Thompson, playing a woman said, “whoa. It’s hot in here. I need some paper towels for my underboobs!”

I said: “What boobs?”

My husband said, “Underboobs.”

Me: “Boobs-what?”

My husband: “Underboobs!”

Me “Where-what?”

But now I know what underboobs are. Speaking of, we need to stock up on some paper towels.

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Benching it

This weekend we had our first park-outing with the whole family (including my brother and sister-in-law). And, of course, we had the auspicious opportunity to change my daughter at the playground. So, I got out the diaper bag.

“I used to be able to change one of those in a minute flat,” my brother-in-law bragged.

I gave him a sideways look.

My sister-in-law then said, “not in a park honey. Whole different story.” Her husband shrugged, as if to say, what’s the big deal?

“Honey,” she said. “Have you benched it? Have you done it in the back seat of a car? Have you trunked it? Have you? Then you haven’t changed a diaper.”


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So we had a six year old visiting us this weekend, and he was very curious about the baby. He wanted to touch her and hold her and read to her and feed her half his slice of pizza.

When told that she only eats milk, he asked, “what’s her favorite flavor?”

I was stumped for a moment.

“I like strawberry,” he said. “If she drinks only milk, maybe it’s best if she has chocolate one day, and strawberry the next. Otherwise she’ll get bored.”

Duly noted.

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