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Archive for May, 2009

So, there are some blabber mouths in our family.

We wanted to spread the preggo news to the essential people–you know, immediate family? That’s like: Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters. Well… one of the brothers has the biggest mouth in history, and now we’re in “trouble” with our extended family members for not “telling them ourselves.” Really? Is that expected? Calling up people we never call to say, “hey, we’re knocked up!”

I don’t know… most people who heard through another blabber mouth sent sweet e-mails or cards with baby feet on them. One of my mother’s best friends even sent me a gorgeous bouquet. Where’s the love from the family?!

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Kegel Who?

AAAAAhSk4VYAAAAAAQDDQASo, the other day my husband was perusing one of my Fit Pregnancy magazines (sidebar: this mag comes out only six times a year… they do know that it only takes nine months (or four issues) to have a baby, right?) and he pauses, looks at me and asks, “are you doing your Kegels?”
I felt like saying, “Are you doing your penis enhancement pump?” But I just grumbled, “duh.”

A little while later, he said. “what’s a Kegel?”

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51YM4K1HN0L._AA400_Are you having trouble sleeping? Yeah. Me, too.

I need: a boob sling so those suckers don’t ache so much, a full-body lifting suit so my belly doesn’t hang down uncomfortably, and a pillow between my knees so my back doesn’t ache.  Where can I find such a thing? Tell me if you invented one.

No? So sad. But, there are lots of pillows on the market that advertise they will support pregnant bodies. There is the pregnancy wedge (a not very exciting pillow shaped like a wedge) which you can use two ways: for acid reflux under your head, or under your belly while you side sleep. The problem with this one: it’s bulky.  There is also the full-body pillow. I love this. Very comfy. Also very bulky. The best way with this one is to wrap it around you and through your legs like a donut that you’re in the hole of. Very comfy, but so bulky. If you need support, but you don’t want your husband to keep falling out of bed, try the Boppy comma pillow. I like this one because it supports the belly and ALSO goes between the knees. (See photo). Now I just need a TitSling.

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There are two sides to this story:

Side one:
It is embarrassing for husbands to be asked to have masturbatory sex for the purpose of analysis. Much worse if they have to do so at a ghetto clinic. Even worse if the husband is doing said act in the public bathroom provided them while a family of four is waiting outside, patiently, to get in.

Side two:
Do you know how many times I’ve had my feet in stirrups this year? How many times I’ve had a wand in my hoo-hoo? So you have to give a sperm sample. Deal with it.

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Husband with Vacuum

Husband with Vacuum

It’s true that when you’re pregnant, you sometimes hate your husband or partner. And, you know, almost everybody else too, but mostly, you hate your husband. But I have found a magical trick to help me stop hating my husband. It was brought to me by the wonderful people behind Porn for Women. Now that I have a template, I simply force my husband to re-enact the proscribed positions. Shirtless Cat Box Cleaner is my favorite. I’m telling you: invest in this book and fire up your Kodak; this might save your marriage. Buy it here.

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ironman_strollerI actually do need this, in case you were about to call me out on my whatchemebob choice for today. Like lots of people who wake up and think, “gee, does this baby make me look fat, or am I really getting fat?” I must have a post-pregnancy workout plan, and this stroller is it.
Two choices: fixed or twisty wheel. Fixed is best for serious joggers. Wheel size is important, too.
The bigger your wheel, the faster you can go. ZOOM! (Don’t worry Grandmas, these things come with shocks for a smooth ride for baby, and no they don’t cause brain damage!)
OK, let’s face it. I want the Ironman.
Will I do an Ironman? Hmmmm. Maybe a half Ironman.

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TheTruthAboutForeverEverything is making me sick. I *should* be getting over this by now, but as every pregnant gal knows, every body is different. And, I’m still feeling headachy, nauseous, and extremely fatigued at about twelve weeks. Sleep is a big cure-all, but I am trying to nap less so I can sleep better at night. So, in the absence of napping, I have heard going for walks can be invigorating. Whatever. I just want to sit there. So I got a few of my favorite super-light YA books by Sarah Dessen. I’m reading “Just Listen” right now, but if you’ve never been swept away by Ms. Dessen, I recommend starting with my favorite, “The Truth About Forever.” Celeb side note: her book “How to Deal” was made into a movie starring Mandy Moore in 2003.

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