Posts Tagged ‘Pregnancy’

So, it’s been nine months since my baby was born… and I still have about twelve pounds to lose. All right in my belly. I’m like a skinny person with a huge belly-fat tumor. I shouldn’t joke about such things I suppose, but I am considering making some extra Christmas cash by joining the staff at Santa’s (Macy’s) Workshop.

And… painfully, I just saw a friend who I hadn’t seen since she was seven months pregnant, who now has a three-month old. She has already lost all the weight. I told her how amazingly stick-bug skinny she looks, and she said, “I know! And imagine, with the first one, it took me two years to lose all the weight!” Then she laughed maniacally. I cried later, in the closet, with my bottle of Chenin Blanc.

So, I’m giving myself another two months or so… but then I’m considering a tummy tuck. And that’s that.


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In my previous life, B.C. (Before Child), I was a very bendy person. In fact, I was so bendy, my bendyness won me awards (feats of strength at Festivus-for-the-Rest-of-Us) and the place at the top (or bottom center) of the pyramid. But that is all over now.

I have become UnBendy. Despite all my efforts to stretch every day, no bendiness is coming back into these raw, ragged hips. I’ll be lucky if I can ever do a high kick again, let alone the center splits! I’ll try not to cry. My husband has already cried about this enough for both of us.

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When your husband does something reprehensible (such as stay out until 2 a.m. with the boys) you should punish him. Here’s how:

Eat lots of vegetables. Then make him change every pooey diaper for the next two months.

Make him give the smack-in-the-middle-of-the-night feeding.

Hotwire his Tivo to make it record old episodes of Golden Girls instead of Sports Center. Claim to not know how that thing works.

When the baby begins crying, give him or her over to husband and claim to need the bathroom (it’s probably true anyhow). Lock yourself in there for at least a half hour.

Suggest to his mother that her son come visit her with the baby soon; without you. So they can have some special mother-son time together.

Insist that you watch your favorite T.V. shows in the precious few T.V. minutes you have each week. Your favorite T.V. show should probably be Grey’s Anatomy.

Schedule girls night out to coincide with his favorite sporting event… such as Monday Night Football. Or the World Cup.

Any other ideas…???

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Poot City

Can I tell you something personal? It’s kinda gross. Since I became pregnant I’ve had a problem with… farting. Yes, now I regularly sound like my obnoxious younger brother at a Boy Scout retreat.

I have tried to vary what I eat (one day I ate only carbs to see if it helped… nope!) I have cut out broccoli and other harsh leafy greens, given up beans; no luck. I wonder if it could possibly, possibly have anything to do with the whole pregnancy/breastfeeding thing. I do know it’s fairly normal to have a pooty behind during pregnancy, but after?

Why does no one talk about this? (Ha, maybe I can guess). Does this happen to everyone? Is it just me? Am I in fact cursed with (as my mother calls it) the Farting Gene?!

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The Wreckage

Technically, I understood that your body “changes” after you have a baby. I was worried about risidual stretch marks (check) not being able to hold my pee (I’m OK there) discomfort during sex (no comment) et cetera. But no one warned me that even two months after the fact, my hips, knees, and various other joints would feel stiff, cracky, and painful. I feel like I was hit by a truck.

Is it the Relaxin? Is it the trauma of the birth itself? Whatever it is, I wish that I didn’t feel like my legs were going to fall off every time I walk around the house.

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I have heard the post-pregnancy belly described this way: poochy. Annie Lamott in her wonderful book Operating Instructions said that after having her baby when she lay down in bed, her stomach was like a little pudgy puppy laying down beside her. And I can describe myself this way: fat!

It’s just terrible how misshapen we are by the pregnancy process. For every woman who says, “oh I lost it all,” there’s another who says, “my body was never the same.” It remains to be seen which category I will fall into, but I have a huge uphill battle in front of me.

I am twenty-three pounds over my regular weight. (I am also a very small five-foot-two). This seems an insane weight gain. I thought I would be like, ten pounds overweight. I can’t even imagine how I will lose it all right now.

I’d love to make a joke about how no one should bring me any more cookies or something, but I’m too depressed.

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